FEELINGS
By Túpac IV
Lately, I’ve been learning that I spent my life avoiding feeling into my feelings.
I played a character for every moment. You need a salesperson. I’ll be him. You need a fighter. I’ll be him. You need a lover. I’ll be him.
I didn’t know I was doing this. I was unconscious of it.
It worked. Until it didn’t.
In 2016, the roles I was playing at work were so out of alignment with my true Self that I got sick. I was playing a Shark, but I’m more of a cuddle Bear. If I knew how, I’d just hug and tease, and make sure everyone knew their Divine Worth. But at work, I was playing the Devil. I was championing an initiative from the CEO, who the company mostly feared. I was his henchman, you might say, which meant I was feared (and often hated) too.
My illness got worse.
I did what I always do. I worked harder. I looked for external fixes: supplements, etc.
Nothing worked. And I got sicker.
Unaware that my illness was internal, I thought a new venture would give me my spark back. I thought the stress of the company I was at was the problem.
So, I left, and started a new company.
The spark didn’t return. It just got worse.
The doctors couldn’t help. The supplements didn’t help. The various therapies and treatments I tried didn’t help.
And I realized this was deeper.
Desperate, I tried an energy healer, who in one session allowed me to do something I hadn’t done in at least 10 years - I cried. I wept. That was in 2018.
That was the beginning of a very painful path back to my Heart.
In this process, I realized that I’d built up a life of illusions. I’d been building others’ dreams, and rejecting my love of singing, dancing, and creative writing. I had stopped loving myself.
In late 2019, psilocybin shook me awake in a breathtaking display of what some call God Consciousness. I merged with All That Is. I was enveloped in such a beautiful love that it took away all my fears. I left my body. I heard the voice of angels speak pure Love to me.
Then my ego interpreted these visions, and my hubris, arrogance, and childishness began sabotaging me.
This year, 4 years on, starting in October, I started doing Mental Image Detox - an exercise from Storyweaving - The Art of Transformational Storytelling. The process goes like this this: Write down all the emotionally charged memories from your life. Then allow yourself to fully feel them. There’s more to it than that, but that’s the basic idea.
This let me feel my pain, and feel my belly; to feel deeply into my core. I began sobbing. It started and then just continued. I wept. Bitterly. I felt into my fears. I just felt these feelings I’d been running from my whole life.
☥ Subscribe to my Substack
💎 Unveil my Muse and My devotion to StillPoint Lovemaking™ @ StillPoint Lovemaking™